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By Steven Cleamer, August 19th, 2004
For those who've come and gone through the college and rental days of yesteryear, bad roommates are a thankful distant memory. However, for those who have just started their adventures into roommatehood, deadbeat bums are soon to plague your kitchen, bathroom, and laundry. The sanctity you once cherished living with mom is over and you'll be forced to live with a cretin who abuses your groceries, dishes, and hygiene products. While you were trained by humans to function using common sense and intelligence, your roommate was not.
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Disrespectful roommates who obliviously waste your personal hygiene products on themselves without any consideration for your cleanliness are perfect candidates for "Toothbrushing the Toilet Bowl." This includes roommates who use your towels, waste toilet paper, wear your Axe Effect deodorant on dates with ugly chicks, or by being too lazy to buy their own toothbrush, mindlessly decide to use yours. Your roommate will think twice about jamming your newly purchased Oral-B in his mouth after brushing his pearly whites with a ghastly flavor combination of urine, fecal matter, and porcelain.
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To learn how to execute "Toothbrushing the Toilet Bowl,"
move your mouse over each step in order from left to right.
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You can approach your roommate with the fact you recently replaced the toilet brush with your toothbrush or simply continue "Toothbrushing the Toilet Bowl" until they realize the error of their ways. In either case, if your roommate isn't too dense to get the picture, he'll at least stop using your toothbrush.
Nothing is more irritating in a roommate living situation than hitting the shower, only to discover your shampoo and conditioning products have been depleted by your roommate. They don't bother restoring your shower supplies, which have now become sole reading materials for long visits to the toilet, and expect replacements to be handled by you. With the "Shampoo and Conditioner Jizzer," your roommate will save a few extra bucks from their weed fund to purchase their own hair care materials.
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To learn how to execute the "Shampoo and Conditioner Jizzer,"
move your mouse over each step in order from left to right.
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While this addition to your hair cleaning products may introduce adequate protein and stiffness to your roommate's hair, your roommate will lose interest in your special brand after constant use. He'll soon desire to choose an alternative product that offers less troublesome thickness in styling and a scent different than fresh semen.
It's easy and rather common to have your day or evening destroyed when, preparing several loads of laundry, discovering your roommate has emptied the three detergent containers that still haven't been thrown away. While you can easily hit the store and purchase a replacement to your exhausted supply, you now have to do so in dirty, stinky attire. These roommates will reconsider their blatant abuse of your detergent when they're the victim of the "Pissed-On Laundry Detergent."
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To learn how to execute the "Pissed-On Laundry Detergent,"
move your mouse over each step in order from left to right.
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Since urine is a sterile substance, there is a chance it may not affect the laundry to a serious degree. Nonetheless, your roommate's clothes will reek of bladder contents. If others don't detect it, he will. Even the laziest, dumbest roommate cannot function throughout the day constantly smelling pee pee. The smell will be more potent when your newly produced laundry detergent is used on thicker fabrics, such as leather jackets, coats, and sweatshirts.
If you've ever had to combat for the availability of your morning brew because your roommate helps themselves to your food and drink, putting "Pepper in the Coffee" is an excellent alternative to violently smashing your roommate's head against a cupboard, telling him not to consume your important sunrise fuel.
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To learn how to execute the "Pepper in the Coffee,"
move your mouse over each step in order from left to right.
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After a few cups of not-so-mountain-fresh Juan Valdez, your roommate will mistakenly believe either your future coffee purchases don't offer the best part of waking up or that obtaining their own blend of beans is a more palatable idea. You'll be back to enjoying your own coffee in no time.
Roommates who waste dishes are a dime a dozen. If you've ever hit the cupboard for a glass to fill with your favorite booze or soft drink, only to discover they're all in the sink or collecting dust in your roommate's room, a nice big "Loogie in the Glass" will help your roommate fire a couple extra brain synapses in order to teach them to use the same glass for repeated beverage consumption. Sure, it's incredibly ridiculous to have to resort to such a venture, but so are moron roommates who use 15 glasses a week for drinking water.
Highlight a Step for Details
To learn how to execute the "Loogie in the Glass,"
move your mouse over each step in order from left to right.
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Once your roommate discovers his drink has a strange gelatinous texture to it, he'll soon realize it was much better coming from the glass or beverage container previously used.
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