6 Silly Sanctimonies of Censorship |
By Steven Cleamer, October 21st, 2009
If you're like most people, you don't like others making decisions for you. You don't let the waiter choose what you eat at a restaurant, you don't let a department store clerk decide what clothes you purchase, and you don't let your newly-elected Black President take your guns away by attending rallies fully armed to the teeth. Yet, our society is at the mercy of ineffectual decision making of our own sensitivity.
I'm consciously aware of what exists behind the bleeps, the mutes, the dubbed voiceovers, and the pixelated ovals. However, I have no choice in the matter to decide if they should be embraced or loathed. Here are six poorly executed attempts at censorship that only serve to promote the continued ignorance of society.
Not Acceptable:
Nipples.
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Perfectly Okay:
Tits, asses, and Bobby coming up for air with a sticky face and soaked beard from an hour of muff diving.
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Sons of Anarchy is back with the recent start of their second season on the FX Network. We're invited to join the party at the biker bar as Bobby Elvis is released from custody after a lack of evidence fails to connect him to the murder of a state official. The venue is packed to the brim with tits and ass and there's no shortage of touching, sucking, and fucking. As the celebration kicks off, we're endowed with the lovely presence of large breasts that are covered with nipple tassles while crazy Bobby already has his head buried deep in some biker skank's dirty snail.
After the party is over, the gang is passed out, scattered across the bar with sleepy sluts at their sides. The scene resembles that of any late night Cinemax programming, but FX is forced to gently blur the possible nipple exposure among the tit sandwich Bobby is resting between.
Not Acceptable:
Consensual sex with a woman in which you have a committed relationship with.
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Perfectly Okay:
Finding a hooker, paying her for a sloppy blowjob, dropping her off in an alley, running her over, and getting your duckets back.
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Rockstar ran into some legal troubles after the controversial "Hot Coffee" mod revealed a hidden sex minigame in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. This game allowed you to execute various sexual positions in order to get your girlfriend off after a successful date. The revelation of this game being playable through a simple hack forced the ESRB to change the game's rating from Mature to Adults Only, causing many retail stores to remove the game from their shelves. Apparently an 18-year-old is just too young to understand the concept of sex. Grand Theft Auto 4 continues the tradition of dating women in the game, but the invitation for sex after an evening on the town is supplemented by an exterior shot of the building you're getting laid in.
While the Hot Coffee incident was limited to just a single title, the ability to pick up hookers, have them pleasure you in a dark alley, then get your money back by killing them has been a feature of all Grand Theft Auto games since their Playstation debut in 2001. Sex has always been a taboo subject in video games, but one would think that teaching you to treat your girl right and getting your dick wet as a reward would be less offensive than running over a cheap trick you just contracted a STD from.
Not Acceptable:
The word "fuck."
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Perfectly Okay:
Insinuating the Scout's mom loves to fuck, then blowing the spy's head off, spraying his eye balls, brain matter, and skull fragments all over the window behind him.
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Valve's "Meet the Spy" video profiles one of the characters from their Team Fortress 2 game. After the security alarm goes off at the Blue Base, the Spy briefs his fellow teammates on further evidence that their security has been breached, some of which includes photos of the Scout's mom engaged in pornographic escapades with the enemy. Anxiety and doubt linger over the remaining members of the blue team as they wonder if the blue Spy is really one of their own. After the Soldier takes his shotgun to the Spy's face and blows it to pieces, their concerns prove to be misguided.
Although showing the Spy's head explosion and implicating one of the characters' mom having a fondness for French cock was okay, someone responsible for developing the video thought the word "fucked" used to explain the Blue Team's predicament might be offensive and bleeped it out.
Not Acceptable:
A game that encourages and promotes the violence of undead creatures that don't really exist.
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Perfectly Okay:
A game that encourages and promotes the violence of undead creatures that don't really exist.
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Valve's Left 4 Dead 2 is poised to hit stores in November. Being a direct sequel to its predecessor that only came out a year ago, many arguments among nerds and dorks alike suggest the game is virtually the same in gameplay: you've got an arsenal of weapons, there are a shitload of zombies, and you need to blast them all to hell.
The country of Australia has decided to ban Left 4 Dead 2 for its "realistic" violence, apparently seeing some distinct difference to the arsenal of weapons, shitloads of zombies, and the need to blast them all to hell that was presented in the first game and comparing such events to real-life zombie killing. It had no problem allowing the public to enjoy the original title, but perhaps the fact you can bludgeon zombified Australians with a cricket bat in Left 4 Dead 2 is where they draw the line.
Not Acceptable:
The word "fuck."
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Perfectly Okay:
"Fat Jew! Jew Bitch! Big-Nosed Kike! Piss out your ass right on to Kyle's mom's fat Jew face!"
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Probably one of the most outspoken cartoon characters of all time is South Park's Eric Cartman. Cartman wants to exterminate the Jews, stereotypes virtually every race, is afraid of the growing number of Chinese, and has absolutely no qualms with sharing those points of view with anyone.
In the season 11 episode titled "Le Petit Tourette," Cartman's screams, "Piss out your ass right on to Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!" after calling her a fat Jew, Jew bitch, and a big-nosed kike. The only portion that was censored from his anti-Semitic tirade was the word "fuck." This is just one of many fantastic scenes from many fantastic episodes of South Park that involuntarily mocks the absurdity of censorship.
Not Acceptable:
The words "shit" and "fuck."
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Perfectly Okay:
The word "nigger."
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Dave Chappelle's hilarious three-year stint on Chappelle's Show didn't necessarily break any boundaries that hadn't already been handled by Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, and Richard Pryor, but its quick wit engaged intolerance by simply making an example out of racism and bigotry through their absurdity. Unfortunately, many of Chappelle's skits were constantly bleeped out due to profanities. Yet, the one word that was not once censored during the entire show's run to protect our sensitive ears was "nigger."
Skits such as "The Niggar Family" were rife with racial overtones with no portion of it muted, bleeped, or dubbed over. However, when Charlie Murphy sits down with some kids, plenty of bleeps decorate storytime as he advises them to snuff a motherfucker who steals your shit instead of calling the Five-O.
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