Got Swine Flu? Things Could Be Worse |
By Marcus Caughcus, April 29th, 2009
Feeling a bit run down? Got the aches and coughs? Did you check your temperature for a fever? Uh oh! It looks like you may have the swine flu! Luckily, the media is on the case with all the latest information, safety tips, interviews with medical professionals, and up-to-date tracking on Mexicans in your area. But don't fret! While the media has convinced you it's the end of the world, things could be much worse.
Your nearly adolescent children could still be demanding the nug.
If one were to evaluate which would be worse, having a 7-year-old daughter constantly nag you to death about getting some grub off your right nug would probably rank higher than taking a week off with the flu. However, Veronica Robinson would think otherwise as shown in this documentary. While the act of giving a kid who's old enough to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious an ample supply of non-bottled breast milk is unsettling by itself, the fact her daughter enjoys drawing pictures of her mom's saggy udders and dreaming of the day her own rack grows so she can breastfeed herself is even more disturbing.
The Golden Gate Bridge could be cheating on you.
So you've been dating the Golden Gate Bridge for a while. You're happy. The two of you have a long, healthy, relationship. You're considering marriage. Then the unthinkable happens. A friend stops by and tells you she took the Golden Gate Bridge to come see you. You're devastated. Soon you discover that thousands of people take your bridge every day. It's over. It's time to move on. You're hitting the dating scene again. It's time to see new objects. Perhaps a date with the Effiel Tower? Maybe a few flings with the Berlin Wall? You've got to be careful, though. You'd rather die of the flu than suffer agonizing heartbreak again. God damn slut of a bridge.
You could get hit by a car after running from a bear while you're pregnant.
You may have achy muscles from your bout with the flu, but Ashley Swendson has achy muscles from an impact by a car while running from a bear and fearing for her life and the life of her unborn baby. What's worse is the cunt who hit her drove off.
You could almost burn your fucking face off.
Although one of the many symptoms of the flu is a fever which can heat up your face, it pales in comparison to being a fat drunk who nearly burns his own mug off after spraying his alcoholic beverage into an open flame. Luckily, he's in good company; he has friends who laugh at his moronic misfortune, others to slap the stupidity out of him, and by sheer luck, they also manage to put out the flames.
Popeyes could be out of chicken!
If you were to tell the dedicated customers interviewed in this report that Popeyes opened back up and was serving food by employees who are sick with the flu, every single one of them would be coughing up a lung and getting their temperature taken regularly while eating a bucket of crispy chicken and enjoying some mashed potatoes.
You could be on TV talking about it with Harry Smith.
Meet the Henshaws, a family who are exhibiting flu symptoms. The kids have it, the dad has it, and it probably won't be too long until the mom has it. In this CBS Early Show segment, Patrick Henshaw explains how he has body aches and feels cruddy, symptoms common with getting interviewed by Harry Smith. The agonizing portion of this interview consists of Harry Smith's moronic questions regarding quarantines, panicking, and promoting the notion of shitting your pants if you happen to get flu-like symptoms. A doctor he interviews continues to offer no explanation for what makes it any different than the flu that infects up to 2 million people in the United States every year.
|
| 
|
1. 'Children of the nug' - Straight up psychopath!
2. California Steel' - That is a pretty damn nice bow. I'd pay to see it snap and crack her in the head -
Bitch! You Knowed I was a bow!!!
Honestly I never heard of an Objectum Sexual but I did have this souvenir rubber alligator when I was twelve that had a real pretty mouth and was just the right diameter for well...dreaming of meeting that girl that would put out.
3 Bear files - Poor bear - I would have shot the old girl to do her a favor, at least I'd have a nice bear skin rug.
If I was the old lady that hit the stupid cunt running from the bear I would have backed up and finished the job off,
- No witnesses.
4. Face Off - That entire family of misfits was behind me in line at Walmart the other day - 20 items my ass - those inbred pieces of shit had two carts full of quality food stamp items and another full of beer and wine, since you can't use the food stamps to pay for that...
5 "Can't get that Bucket". Holy Shit! No friggin CHICKIN! How my gone feed my famly?
What the FUCK OBAMA -In office less than a year and we are already having fucking food riots and shortages of staples. I demand that the US Government intervene and form a committee to investigate this obvious case of the man keeping my peeps down!
Of course most normal people buy groceries and cook their families nutritious meals. Don't feed them retired egg layers that aren't even a year old yet and chock full of fucking antibiotics, growth hormones, and god knows what the fuck else!!
6. 'Damn Dirty Swines' - Goddamnit - round these fuckers up and put them in isolation, if they refuse to go hit them in the head with a club and force them! Blackwater is not to busy these days with Iraq winding down. Contract those badasses out to nip this shit in the bud! Just a sec I got to go blow my nose, puke and shit all at the same time... OK, I'm back - Fuck this cold is kicking my ass... Anyway I digress - If I was married to that know it all bitch I would be praying that shit killed me, so I wouldn't have to listen to her. Shit, my fucking kids are healthy and they try to sleep in everyday... Don't go to a fucking hospital - people die there everyday!
One of the lamest interviews I have ever seen. I am actually pissed off that I wasted 3:56 Minutes of my life watching the fucking retards - Fretards...
|
Login to post a comment. Not a member? Join us by signing up. It's quick and easy.
| |
To send the article Got Swine Flu? Things Could Be Worse to a friend or enemy, enter your name and the e-mail address you'd like to send the link to below.
| 7 Things in Windows 7 That Suck
Everyone is eagerly awaiting the second coming of Jesus, known as Windows 7, but here are 7 things Mary should be ashamed of.
|
| Parking Lesson Leaflets
Provide poor parking-skilled drivers with the guidance they need using Parking Lesson Leaflets.
|
|
