By Marcus Caughcus, January 1st, 2009
We've been looking forward to seeing the progress of amazing technological marvels and societal advancements to prepare us for the future. So, where the hell are they?
Microsoft has been developing software for almost 30 years. However, it still takes forever for Windows to boot and I still can't surf the Web without the possibility of Internet Explorer burning down my house, raping my kids, and killing my dog. The only thing Windows is still good at is taking advantage of my quivering balloon knot.
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How come a fast food joint that has people zipping around parking lots on roller skates still can't get me out of the drive-thru in less than half an hour?
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I can get a pill that'll solidify my purple meat hammer, calm the anxiety pumping through my legs after kickfucking a midget, or convert my testicle meat into tits, but there still isn't a half-decent regimen out there that'll restore the follicles missing from my shiny dome piece.
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I reside in a typical neighborhood. I'm not out in the countryside where I have to send my young boy, suffering from a debilitating case of Cholera, out to crank some water from the well. I enjoy amenities piped directly to my home such as electricity and gas. However, I still can't get DSL.
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Yesterday's bands only needed instruments, a microphone, and some talent. Today's bands need technology to simulate talent, marketing to simulate fans, and social networking sites to simulate concerts.
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Can you remember the last time you stopped into a Radio Shack to pick up an antenna, cable, or some other kind of connector, greeted by a helpful sales associate knowledgeable in the products and services they're selling, and purchasing said item quickly and easily so you could go about the rest of your day? Me neither.
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No, you piece of shit, I said "billing!"
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My local TV stations are dedicated to advertising how awesome their weather tracking technology is and how the other station's stuff sucks dick, but they still don't come close to making accurate predictions. Nobody cares what the barometric pressure or dew point is. Just tell me if it's going to be nice and get your ugly face and hair plugs off my TV.
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I just sold one of my kidneys and used the money to buy a 63" HDTV. I've got this fucker hooked up and I'm ready for some mind-blowing programming that Comcast has been shoving down my throat, but all I get are non-stop reruns of CSI: Miami, Law and Order, and movies edited for content that are stretched funny because the morons running these stations are piping 4:3 flicks on 16:9 channels.
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I've been taking Extenze for forever and a day and I still have to use GHB to get chicks in the sack. I guess a 2006 investigation by the Orange County District Attorney revealing illegal amounts of lead in Extenze capsules doesn't mean all that lead is going directly to my cock.
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Maybe if Steve wasn't so busy gakin' chop and watching people remove shards of glass from their ass all day, Mental Discharge would get updated more than once every six months.
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Look, I understand you're trying to brighten my day by forwarding me and 350 other morons I don't know a funny e-mail with pictures of kids doing silly shit or photos of that dude's BBQ grill that had a huge honeycomb on it, but you're the cunt who is still spreading e-mail viruses from ten years ago and chewing up my bandwidth with 6MB video attachments because you've apparently never heard of YouTube.
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Flying cars aren't going to happen. People can't even drive on the streets at it is. But self-lacing Nikes? Fucking awesome. If retarded parents are buying their dumb kids shoes that have wheels inside them, it shouldn't be an excruciatingly difficult technological challenge to have some Nikes that automatically tighten around your foot as it goes up these parents' asses.
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People went completely apeshit when they learned Larry Craig wanted to gargle mansauce from strangers in an Airport bathroom. The public was outraged when they found out Elliot Spitzer was banging a mangled snatch from MySpace. However, Rod Blagojevich is still prancing around Washington with a smug look on his face and nobody gives a shit. Apparently slamming dirty vagina and swallowing dick beef is much worse than fucking your entire state.
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It's perfectly legal to pay a chick to take a cock in her brown while she's jacking off two other guys as long as it's being filmed for entertainment, but I can't pay a needy, overweight slut to shine my knob behind the dumpster at a Denny's for ten minutes?
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It's perfectly legal for Anna Nicole Smith and Heath Ledger to swallow a lethal amount of Pharmaceutical garbage, but if I try to buy a dime bag from a dude off the street, I'll go to prison longer than if I'd just killed the fucker and stolen his shit?
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Has a homosexual stolen your wife? Has a homosexual moving next door caused your property value to drop? Has a homosexual made your kid stop going to baseball practice because he'd rather sit at home and watch Coldplay concerts on DVD? Has a homosexual ever done anything to you ever? No. And you call them faggots.
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You died for my sins over 2000 years ago, but what have you done for me today?
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| | Rick
08.04.2009 1:27am
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I don't know that I'd want a cure for baldness. I'd look pretty goofy today with a full head of hair.
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