By Steven Cleamer, June 19th, 2009
Howdy There, Shitty Neighbor!
To commemorate their eternal inconsideration and ineptitude to consequence, we salute our shitty neighbors. Their dedication to stupidity and the exasperation they continue to treasure us with shows no bounds. Looking back at some of history of the neighborhood, here are some of our favorite neighbors and the wonderful experiences we've not had the pleasure to be a part of.
This neighbor is the proud owner of one or more dogs that never shut the fuck up. Ever. Whether it's a cloud passing through the sky, a bird landing on a fence, or the scent of broken wind breezing past its nose, at least one annoying mutt will bark continuously without reprieve. You'll wonder why your neighbor even owns an animal, seeing as how they never walk it, play with it, discipline it, or train it to behave. You'll ask your neighbor politely numerous times to quiet their shit-piss-noise-maker with absolutely no success. Eventually, you'll be forced to get the Humane Society involved if you haven't already fed the irritating bastard some doggy treats mixed with pieces of sponge.
This neighbor runs an automotive repair shop out of their garage. You'll question the experience and reliability of their skill from seeing the same four vehicles always parked in the driveway and along the street. The monotonous and irritating sounds of engines revving will fill the air each and every evening and throughout the weekend as your neighbor attempts to improve the power output of a vehicle that will never see pavement again. After all, your neighbor isn't going to let three DUI's, an ankle monitor, and poor EPA emissions standards get the in way of their dreams of being in NASCAR, The Amusement Park Ride.
This neighbor will constantly contest every single imperfection of your property. The instant a shingle falls off your roof, a discolored leaf rests comfortably on your lawn, or you leave your garage door open for more than 30 seconds, your neighbor will arrive to whine, bitch, and complain about the numerous violations you're currently making against the HOA covenant. Your neighbor will be an instant guide to resolving the issue, stating each paragraph and subparagraph of the item in infringement word for word either by memory or having a copy of the necessary documents in hand. As long as your porch or deck doesn't feature an American Flag bunting, you don't have a chance of getting on their good side.
This neighbor has painted their entire house with two or more conflicting colors. While you and everyone else in the neighborhood share dissatisfaction with the detestable color choices used, the resident will take pride in their horrible work. They'll delight in the beauty that is purple and yellow, red and blue, or brown and green. You'll plead for Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg to show up with a surprise announcement they've brought back Punk'd, but days will become weeks and weeks will become months, and you'll wonder what that crazy bitch did to get her husband to make their house look like it belongs in CandyLand.
This neighbor has started their own utopian community of morons, either by giving birth to numerous children who collectively cannot exceed a two-digit IQ or by running an unlicensed daycare that manages activities by yelling over a television blaring an episode of Judge Joe Brown. You'll enjoy hearing children scream and cry as they exhibit social skills and intellect less proficient than monkeys throwing feces at each other. You'd very much like to resolve your discontent through mature, diplomatic dialogue, but the neighbor will only respond if you're equipped with a briefcase while retaining a position with Child Welfare Services.
These neighbors receive constant visits by the police department. Not a day goes by that law enforcement doesn't play the role of Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, or Maury Povich. You'll take a front row seat as the drama unfolds in your neighbor's front yard. Did the husband really put those red marks on her neck out of anger, or was it merely to restrain her while he kindly removed a couple of her teeth? Does it really count as cheating if the wife wasn't sleeping with a random stranger, but her own brother? Stay tuned to find out because you'll be getting a brand new episode the following week when true love drops the charges and posts bail.
This neighbor has an affinity for collecting crap, crap, and more crap. Without giving it a second thought, nor a first one, they proudly display their huge array of garbage to the public. Every square inch of their front yard is real estate that's just begging to be occupied by junk that belongs in a landfill. Many people will pass by thinking a garage sale is underway, but they'd be sorely mistaken. Sorry, the gnomes in the garden, the assorted flock of pink flamingos, and the rusty mine cart filled with weeds are not for sale. While your neighbor will savor a sense of value in having a large amount of property, you won't enjoy the devaluation of yours.
This neighbor has an insatiable talent for the liberation of chaos. Whether they're involved in a musical ensemble that has never performed at a public venue, enjoy gathering the crew for an intoxicating ride to nowhere, or are building a time machine in the garage, this neighbor is bereft of the required brain power to do anything other than produce racket. Not only is this neighbor an intolerable buffoon, but so are their guests. They'll honk their horn instead of ringing the doorbell, park in the front yard, or share their moronic banter at a volume everyone on the block can enjoy. You'd confront this neighbor with your issue, but they'd simply assimilate your time.
Digging the pixel art on these babies, even if my house has been clearly depicted in "The Noisy Douche."
Good stuff, this is why MD is such a Great Web Site - you'll never see in depth humanities articles like this on MSN or any of the other main stream sites.
Glad I didn't find myself listed. I'm the guy in the neighborhood hey call - "Mr. Leave me the Fuck Alone and don't ever ask to borrow any of my shit."
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