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The Back-to-School Checklist |
By Biff Yeager, August 20th, 2002
It's that time of the year again where parents flood the closest, cheapest store they can find to pile up on school supplies in order to send their rugmonkeys back into the trembling hands of the public education system. Even though most of them will fail, spending twelve years of their lives under the control of irate, underpaid teachers who will unsuccessfully teach them to spell many common three-letter words (such as you and are), getting the right gear for your children is essential to absorbing as much material, including fists and social rejection, as possible.
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Women will want you... as a human shield.
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$775.00 @ Kejo Limited
Why sit at your desk like a sucker when the superintendent's windows are made from bulletproof glass? Suck it in and lace it up with the Force Level IV, an affordable, heavy-duty piece of protection that will stop anything short of a mortar shell. This Kevlar vest will keep you at the height of fashion without compromising your safety. You don't need to suffer just because gothic little Timmy gets picked on at recess; show the less fortunate that you're not afraid of granddaddy's carbine. Remember, that name tag around your neck isn't bulletproof.
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You know you just can't lose when you're Rad.
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$335.00 @ GeigerCounters.com
Look at the student on your left. Look at the student on your right. Look anywhere but the blackboard. Chances are, someone in your class wants to kill you and every one of your freedom-loving, capitalist buddies. Stay one step ahead of the terrorists with the RadAlert 50, a lightweight digital Geiger counter that fits on your belt like a PDA. Don't get caught off guard by pesky Gamma radiation; the RadAlert 50's adjustable digital monitor beats the bomb squad and sounds the alarm before Mrs. Muellander's pet parakeet lines its own cage. Nap in class or take notes without interruption while RadAlert protects you in silent running mode; you can always ask for a hall pass when things get too risky.
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Protect yourself and everybody else in the Chess Club.
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$599.95 @ Taser.org
Outgrowing your locker? Then maybe it's time you stop letting Todd the Wonder Dummy shove you in there. Put a spring in his step and a probe in his pelvis with the M18L Taser, a supercharged stun gun with laser sight for unparalleled accuracy. Whether you're taking down the football team or an overly grabby instructor, the M18L takes care of all your zapping needs. Perfect for long hallways and crowded cafeterias, this professional taser can shake and bake an angst-ridden classmate with over 50,000 volts of professional wake-up call. Who says there's no smoking in school?
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Avoid harmful particles and mask your horrible acne at the same time.
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$179.00 @ Platinum Defense
Whether you're sitting in Biology or showering in the gym locker room, gas protection is a must. You can bet they don't stock these babies in the nurse's office, so cough up the cash and bring your own to class. So what if teachers can't see your face? You've probably got twelve forms of required school identification on you anyway. It's the height of fashion if your school colors are green and the 41A's outstanding voicemitter and drinking system ensure that you can go the entire day without taking off this essential piece of protection. Say goodbye to zit cream and hello to the ultimate in chemical defense. If it's good enough for Israel, it's good enough for you.
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Your homework will remain secure while bullies beat the shit out of you.
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$299.95 @ Tactical Options
You're in it for the long haul in those long halls, soldier. Show your textbooks whose boss with the Tactical Options Blackhawk X-3, the latest in state-of-the-art cell-smashing, bogey-busting, homework-stomping outer gear. Powerful enough for an Army Ranger, the X-3 R.A.P.T.O.R. features a robust Nytaneon® outer casing built to hold thousands of pages of text, rations, scuba gear, and transmitter equipment. That's right; they built an all new fiber just for you. Don't worry about those water bottles, either. The X-3's patented Intercooler Ventilation System and multifold compartments ensure that your snacks will stay safe all day long. Available in black or OD green.
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It's cool, like the videogame watch you wear at school as well.
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$349.99 @ Sonic Blue
Forget those 32mb PDAs with built-in mp3 players; you'd just use them to play Pong. Opt out for a 20 gigabyte DJ that'll never do wedding parties. Sonicblue's Rioriot mp3 player holds up to 400 albums and runs on a 10-hour rechargeable battery, meaning the music lasts well past detention. Why waste your time listening to history that'll be rewritten in a decade and science that'll be disproved before lunch? The Rioriot's pre-packaged ear-snug headphones let you concentrate on your playlist instead of prehistory; the dinosaurs can wait.
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Cheat on tests while you improve your socially-inept lackluster life.
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$619.95 @ Sony Ericsson
You don't need to sit behind a smart kid to cheat on exams anymore; Ericsson's new Multimedia Messaging Service lets you take and send pictures on the fly. Snap a photo of that A+ Scantron sheet and ruin the grading curve. The T68i's built-in modem lets you e-mail or text message lighting fast pop quiz warnings to more fortunate classmates or just e-flirt with the girl behind you. Play one of its many preset games and use its vibralert function to keep professors from confiscating your new best friend.
Variable hourly rates, check your local yellow pages
Failed a test? Someone isn't educating you well enough. Home sick from school? The cafeteria probably poisoned you. Take the initiative and go on the offensive, sue everyone before they sue you. The bully that punched your arm ruined your blossoming football career and it's discrimination that the smartest person in school gets to be valedictorian. Protect your future and cover your ass with your own personal civil attorney.
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