By D.K. Taylor, January 16th, 2011
This is the Age of Ophiuchus
Late last decade, our planet's gravitational shift, in relation to the other chunk of debris orbiting the sun with us, dubbed "Moon," changed so dramatically that it spawned the creation of a whole new constellation. In a homage to the late Sir Issac Newton, inventor of gravity, scientists are calling this new collection of stars "Ophiuchus," forever changing the way we use astrology to determine our future actions. What does this really mean for you and yours? Well, before hastily getting your awesome tattoo of the letter "m" with an extra loop lazered off and replaced with an awesome tattoo of the letter "m" with a little arrow at the end, you should sue your tattoo artist for giving a baby a tattoo.
Ophiuchus loves serpents, so you better get used to the idea of loving snakes.
Anyone born before November of 2009 was born under the old star alignment, whilst anyone under the age of 14 months must now reevaluate their life goals in light of their new personality. Instead of being indecisive between breast milk and formula because your neighbors have a mercury thermometer in their house, you can now just cry until someone feeds you because the International Space Station is over Russia.
As the great prophets of daily newspapers adapt to this phenomenon, horoscopes should become far more accurate in the coming weeks and once again triumph over this "science" fad and recent trend towards logical reasoning and enlightenment.
Furthermore, this shift casts a shadow of doubt over other things the Greeks developed. Being unable to foresee this event, unlike the Mayans who knew when the apocalypse would happen to the day over nine-thousand years in advance, can we continue to put faith in practices and tools handed down from Plato and friends? What if A²+B² really equals Z²? Democracy has long since started to fail us, as voting is arbitrary and obsolete, and everyone knows indoor plumbing is a sham.
My concern, though, is for vending machines. If the Greeks didn't know when the moon would alter it's rotation by a fraction of a degree, how can we trust food to consistently come out of these convenient metal boxes? We only have theories about gravity, and should those be debunked, after paying for our Funyuns, they may just hover behind the glass, unreachable by human hands and uneatable by human mouths. An epidemic of that magnitude would revert our great nation to the failing level of the European Union. It is my hope, then, that we can shed our reliance on Greek culture, moving on to a new state of existence. Burn down the frat houses, destroy your alarm clock, tear up your maps, and forget everything you ever knew about philosophy. This is the Age of Ophiuchus.
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