Fartistic Anatomies

Farts are a daily function of the human body, spawning in various shapes and sizes, odors and intensities, sounds and potencies. The study of fart types and their affects is a pungent one, many of which result in painful burns to the colon. Mental Discharge has compiled, through extensive scientific research and a lot of bean dip, a visual guide to farts and their various anatomies. If you've ever been curious as to the different types of gaseous deployments that have crept up from your backside, Fartistic Anatomies has the answers.

Each fart type is illustrated in an easy-to-understand format. Is Grandpa having a problem holding his ass? Is your obese little munchkin cutting a little too much cheese? Reference this guide with friends and family to get the straight dope on nether belching.

The Trumpet, also known as Air Pigeon, Butthole Blowout, Carpet Creeper, Fanny Beep, Flabbergaster, and Morning Thunder, is the most common fart people experience. The sound is much like a trumpet when properly applied to a surface, such as a chair or couch. The Trumpet produces a moderately unpleasant smell that floats about within a fairly confined area. Although the person responsible for releasing the Trumpet fart tends to be immune to its effects, it can be difficult to determine who has barking spiders when they're released in close proximity to others.

The Streamer, also known as Aftershocks, Bunghole Buzzer, Crack Rattler, Deer Snort, Fart Combo, Trail Fart, and Putt-Putts, is much like a Trumpet fart, but doesn't lift away from the posterior as quickly. The fart is carried during movement much like a streamer in the wind, trailing along like a snake, and inescapable by anyone near the person who dealt it or who follow its lengthy path. The Streamer also consists of a collection of additional farts after the primary one.

The Gift Giver is a fart that emanates from an object which recieves the original odor. Only powerful farts can be crowned the title of the Gift Giver as the object must be able to retain enough potency to deliver the scent as if the object itself just farted. The pungent odor must be released using violent, powerful, anal muscle strength and deployed deep into the core elements that make up the object. Once a Gift Giver has successfully enveloped its target, give the object to a neighbor or nearby friend as a surprise.

The Pisser, also known as the Belching Clown, Boomper Letters, Brownster, Chunder, Fing, Squib, and Zephyr, is an inverse fart. While the gaseous mass still exists inside the intestines, it is not quite ready to be released. By overexerting muscles in the bowels in an attempt to force it out, you instead stimulate your urethra and cause yourself to piss your pants. In certain cases, a small fart emission may occur, but a massive leak from the front end is still the final result.

The Hot Wind, also known as Wet Fart, Beaver Leaver, Bubblers, Desert Varnish, Hershey Smoke, Nuee Ardent, Smelly Jelly, and Trouser Cough, is a fart which has power unbeknownst to its creator. While the massive blast has the sound and odor consistent with complete bowel release, the delivery is cut short by a minimal amount of fecal emission. The farter will gasp in surprise as a result of the odor while checking for expulsion. Luckily, a Hot Wind doesn't quite cross the line between passing gas and passing stool.

The Torpedo, also known as Blow-By, Brown Speckled Mallard, Chou Pi, Hershey Splert, Ringtailed Roarer, and Surprise, is the unfortunate aftermath of an overcooked Hot Wind. A Torpedo not only emits an extremely loud, putrid fart, but expels the feces from which it came. While this normally would be considered simply taking a shit, it differs from the fact the farter was not intending on doing so, nor was near a toilet to deliver it to. The Torpedo is a tremendous embarassment and recovery from such an event is a long and painful process.

The Dutch Oven, also known as the Sheet Fluffer, Pop Off, Thunder in the Buns, Ripship, Pop Tarts, and Fanny Bubble is a fart given extended longevity by containing it within a small atmosphere underneath the bedsheets. The sealed area beneath the sheets helps safely retain the fart, keeping it nice and toasty. Once the oven is at the correct preheated temperature, stick a friend inside and let them bake for a few minutes to officially finalize your Dutch Oven.

The Dark Matter, also known as Backblast, Booty Bomb, Death Poot, Eggy Whiffo, Flaming Cornhole, Purple Clouds, and Silent But Deadly, is the most destructive, putrid, powerful fart known to man. There is no noise; you will not be forewarned of an incoming bowel odor. You will feel no wind and the farter will not inform you of your upcoming demise. The Dark Matter is powerful enough to take out a small group of people, which could result in vomitting or unconsciousness.

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Blank6 years ago
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Ever perform a Dutch Oven on your own kids? I highly recommend it.
Dr LCB8 years ago
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This was the first article I read on MD in 2002. It is still as funny as nice warm shart at work.
The "gift giver" is my favorite but my wifes likes to fire up the "dutch oven" every chance she can get.
Lastly, I hope to leave "the Dark Matter" on my death bed... I just think my loved ones will remember me better if I do.

Nice work Steve.
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