Bill O’Reilly: “I’m a ‘tits’ man.”
Republicans and Fox News fans were hit with a "shock and awe" Wednesday as the news channel's most outspoken commentator, Bill O'Reilly, was hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit by a former producer of his top-rated cable show.
Andrea Mackris claims that the host of The O'Reilly Factor repeatedly engaged in masturbatory acts while on the phone with her and suggested she use vibrators, join him for late a night hotel rendezvous, and buy his books. In a press conference held earlier today, O'Reilly claimed that Mackris's allegations were not fair and balanced.
"Andrea Macrkis and her mammoth mammories don't scare me," a furious O'Reilly told a crowd of reporters outside his palatial Long Island estate. "Any family member, any friend, any one of my many gifted colleagues can tell you that I'm a tits man."
In a complaint filed on Wednesday, O'Reilly is quoted as making offensive remarks regarding what he allegedly claims to be Mackris's large chest, such as "You have really spectacular boobs..." and "I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard." O'Reilly claims that he would never say anything like that, let alone rub a woman's swollen glands.
"Maybe I'm missing the forest for the trees, but I've got no time to lap my fiery tongue over some broad's pale milk jugs," O'Reilly said. "I attack those nipples with the same intensity and passion you see every time I take the piss out of those crybaby liberals in Washington."
"I'm no silicone slut," the embattled anchor continued. "Enormous knockers do nothing for me; they're repulsive. Give me a woman with small, erect nipples on her pepperoni-sized areolas," O'Reilly said.
"Take that saucy little Greta Van Susteren, for example. She's got a face like a cheese grater, but nips like Italian sausage. Put me in a dark room with her and two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon and I'll beat her with an ugly stick of my own."
Mackris also accused O'Reilly of advising her to "just use a vibrator to blow off steam," and charges that the anchor used a vibrator during at least one phone conversation with her. O'Reilly does not deny these charges, but he says they were never intended as sexual harassment. He said that he recommends using a vibrator to all his colleagues, regardless of gender.
"I milk my prostate with a leather-bound, fluid-action Nortempro 5600 SL series vibrator before every show I tape," O'Reilly said, waving a limp black dildo in the air. "In my opinion, the plaintiff is sexist for suggesting that only a woman can cum in quarts with mechanical stimulation. It's the 21st century, honey, and there's nothing you and your dirty pillows can do about it."