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Missionary Disposition

Anal Beads are for Fat, Lazy, Stupid People

You like big beads? Use two fucking fingers.

  • By Wang Dong
  • 12.05.2010
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It's become a startling fact that people these days are too lazy to regard sex with even the slightest bit of effort. Toys, aids, and random spank material have begun to pervade our culture's sexual mind. One of my biggest qualms is "pleasure-enhancing condoms." If you need itty-bitty bumps on a condom to get your girl off, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. If your monster is a goblin instead of a dragon, your girl isn't going to give a shit if you have little nubs on your fuckstick. Either learn to work that shit right or stop having sex, you small-penised ignoramus.

But that isn't even the smallest concern that has emerged from our sex-crazed, yet paradoxically lazy society. No, the biggest menace to our sexual purity is anal beads. Anal beads are a string of plastic balls that get shoved up your ass then pulled back out, which is supposed to excite random pleasures in your now-swollen rectum. Whatever happened to licking a finger and forcing it into your poopchute? You like big beads? Use two fucking fingers. If you like the artificial sensation of having plastic crammed into your ass, grab a bottle of Coke.

Anal Beads

Tough to effectively insert all beads into anus in a straight line. Not washer machine safe. Oriental art and you're a round eye.

20oz. Coke Bottle

Thin head eventually grows, expanding anus to painful contortions. Risk of explosion. Not caffiene free.

Your Fingers

5 attachments, adjustable positioning, excellent control through motor functions connected via nervous system.

If you can't even use your own agile, dexterous fingers to tickle someone's asshole, you don't deserve to have sexual contact with any species. Even the most fucktarded person alive with a sense of motor control above a retard with a rampant case of quivering autism can manipulate their digits enough to render anal beads unnecessary.

Our fast-food binging, couch potato, TV-dinner-monging society has forgotten the simple pleasure of having a finger rammed into their anus. I suggest a purist rediscover just how good a down-and-dirty, unprotected, nubless fuck can be. Revive the subtle art of manipulating a prostate with your tongue. Revive the true spirit of hardcore sex as it was meant to be: various phalanges jammed into every hole.

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2 Comments

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  • TheMusiKid
    Potential Writer

    You sir, deserve a hug.

    Or at least a high-five.

    Actually, I think I'll just stand back here and consider you with high regard.

    Good work anyways!

    • 02.13.2011
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    • Blank
      Balls of Steel

      Do you know how much fucking work it takes to use anal beads? It's damn near impossible to insert them in a straight line, especially when he's quivering like a scared puppy as you're jamming them in his balloon knot.

      I mean her.

      • 12.12.2010
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