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Humanity

Is Your Buddy a Homo?

If you suspect your best friend may be moonlighting his shit-thermos as a meat locker, there are several possible outcomes.

  • By Chris Bergenfield
  • 03.31.2002
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You've been friends for years. You used to make out with chicks underneath the bleachers. You used to sneak peeks at his Dad's porn. You've slept over at each other's houses countless times. Hell, you've even shared underwear. Face it, the dude is your best friend and has been since third grade.

It seems like just yesterday that you were catching frogs down by the creek and shooting cats with BB guns. But lately, you've noticed that your best friend is acting kind of strange, prissy, and just outright gay. Could it be? What if it's true? How can you be sure? What will that mean?

Recently, someone asked me how to tell if their friend is gay. I could only respond with, "I don't know. Does he seem to like it when you fuck him?"

If you suspect your best friend may be moonlighting his shit-thermos as a meat locker, there are several possible outcomes.

Excellent

You don't fancy the occasional Putt-From-the-Rough whatsoever.

Good

This means more pussy for you, perhaps to go shopping with.

Bad

You're probably gay yourself. Now the two of you can take those childhood playground antics to the next level.

Here's a handy list of things to check out.

Watch how your buddy eats.
If when eating a banana, corn dog, pickle, or even a large ice cream, he holds the food item by the base and lowers his mouth over it like he's practicing to be the next Vanessa Del Rio, he's at least thinking about sucking a nice, big cock. If he cups his hand just below the base of the food item, you can be rest assured that he's already been tasting greasy man meat on a semi-regular basis.

Is your buddy a frequent dancer?
Does he get jiggy? Guys should never dance unless it's hardcore grinding with a girl or a romantic slow dance while making out. If he ever does the chicken dance, you're in trouble: your buddy may have switched teams so he can pitch hit with the "cute new catcher" from Marketing. Observe how the guy dances and with whom. And for God sake, don't set foot on the dance floor unless you're questing after some pootie.

Just take a simple look at your buddy.
This is the simplest of tests: Just look at the guy. Does he look like he'd like nothing more than to scream your name around a mouthful of ball gag? Sometimes your friend's gayety can be subtle. Other times, it's pretty damn obvious. Make sure that you don't look too hard and miss seeing the pink forest for the rainbow trees that are nancing around all over it.

What does your buddy like to do?
What are his hobbies? If you call him up and invite him to a party where there will be lots of drunk naked chicks in a hot tub and he says, "Nah, I just got the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation on DVD and me and my roommate are gonna watch it," your gaydar should give off a pretty loud ping. If you go over to try to convince him and he's wearing a Star Trek costume, you can be pretty sure that he and his roommate were going to make a night of it.

Follow your buddy around.
As a last resort, you can follow him around and see what he does. We recently followed one of our friends and interns, Curtis, for just such a purpose. Tailing his blue Dodge Stealth R/T was easy, because it has white racing stripes. We thought keeping up would be hard, because he's always touting the "thpeed of hith thweet-daddy car" in his Dodge jacket, but we found that a even a subtle V6 will keep up with a four-banger pretty easily.

Discover what your buddy is really up to.
We managed to snap a photo of Curtis at a "rally" of some sort shortly before he left with another guy he didn't originally show up with. Our suspicions were confirmed. Our friend, sadly, is gay. Your friend may be gay, too.

What to do, what to do? The answer? Nothing. He can still be your friend. Gay dudes are usually pretty funny because they're being, as they like to say, "thilly!" This can be hilarious. Keep him around, don't let on that you know about his alter boy tendencies. Snicker under your breath at every story he tells about banging some chick (yeah, some "chick" named Larry, no doubt).

Always keep in mind that fag friends are great for when you're trying to bang some hippie slut: "Yeah, I'm a sensitive, new-age kinda guy. I mean, my best friend is gay, and I'm cool with that. We're all children of the Goddess."

Just remember that today you may be laughing at him, and that you don't ever want to be laughing with him, do ya get me? Unless you're gay yourself, in which case, think about this: What are you friends wondering about you right now?

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