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Slice of Fear

Iraqi Information Minister Has “Super Powers”

  • By Biff Yeager
  • 06.07.2003
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Peacekeeping forces in Iraq may have to contend with an unlikely weapon of mass destruction. Reports from the Middle East suggest the re-emergence of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the public official infamous for his outrageous lies during the short-lived Operation Iraqi Freedom.

"I have super powers," al-Sahaf told Arab-language network Al-Jazeera in a taped message Monday. "The power of a thousand scud missiles courses through my veins."

The former Information Minister then snapped his fingers, instantly engulfing two bystanders in a wave of flames.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf priming his holy eye lasers.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf priming his holy eye lasers.

Reuters

"The desert is about to get much, much hotter for American infidels," al-Sahaf cackled.

I have super powers. The power of a thousand scud missiles courses through my veins.

The former Iraqi Information Minister has been on administrative leave since the fall of Baghdad in April. While his face is not featured on the 55-card "most wanted" deck released by the U.S government, al-Sahaf has emerged as a cult anti-hero of the war, garnering numerous fan websites and more than a few job offers from Arab-language networks.

"I have emerged from chrysalis to lay siege to the godless Americans feasting on the fruits of my beautiful homeland," al-Sahaf said. "I will boil your stomachs with the vengeance of Allah and the flames of my inferno eyes."

In addition to atomic blood and the power to fly, the former Information Minister claims that he can raise the dead and cause earthquakes with his mind.

Grainy footage provided with the tape shows scenes of a Casablancan hotel reduced to rubble by a suspected bomb blast on May 17 and CNN footage of recent natural disaster in Algeria.

"I have cleansed Morocco with my blessed fists of mega might," al-Sahaf claimed in a voice-over. "No longer does the fez of immunity sit perched atop their heathen heads."

American military experts question the authenticity of al-Sahaf's claims. Retired General Horace Amwell says that he believes the former Information Minister's claims are baseless.

"Bottom line, we haven't seen the massive, wanton destruction we've seen with other notorious super villains," Amwell told Mental Discharge in a telephone interview. "If he can shoot laser beams from his eyes and level entire cities with his atomic breath, show us. It's going to take a lot more than stock video and gasoline to put America on the run."

"When the Ayatollah Khomeini swallowed those rods of uranium and destroyed downtown Tehran with his nuclear plasma bolts, we got more than a bunch of grainy snapshots," he added.

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