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Slice of Fear

Unsecured Insecurities

  • By Biff Yeager
  • 05.29.2002
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On March 12, 2002, the Department of Homeland Security issued a confusing press release explaining the new color-coded threat level system developed by the best and brightest in the Bush Administration. While that's like praising the top students in Special Ed., Mental Discharge feels obligated to bring this information to the public in an informative and easy to read manner. We know that many civilians have had trouble translating the jumble of government jargon into something they can understand, so we've translated the press release into English for the benefit of our readers.

The world has changed since September 11, 2001. We remain a Nation that sponsors home-shattering terrorism abroad in third-world countries and then runs crying to the United Nations whenever someone takes a chunk out of our own cities. At all Threat Conditions, we must remain vigilant, frightened, and ready to do whatever the President tells us. The following Threat Conditions each represent an increasing risk of overzealous media coverage about things that will probably never happen. Beneath each Threat Condition are some suggested Protective Measures, recognizing that the heads of Federal departments and agencies are responsible for using an isolated attack on the nation to boost their own budgets, maintain their cushy positions, and divert blame elsewhere:

1. Low Condition (Green).
This condition is declared when there is a low risk of terrorist attacks. You will never see this condition because we're going to keep bombing the hell out of the Middle East. Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures to pass the time until they drop the ball and leave Seattle as a pock-marked crater:

  1. Pick a flower;

  2. Take your department out to see a Redskins game. Goooo Redskins!

  3. Scribble nonsense on a piece of paper and then tell the new guy that you need it translated ASAP. See what he comes back with.

2. Guarded/Negligent Condition (Blue).
This condition is declared when there is a general risk of terrorist attacks. Technically the nation should always be in this state. Unfortunately, blue on a map represents a Democrat victory during elections and that's not an image we need to foster come November. In addition to the half-assed measures taken in the previous Threat Condition, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will haphazardly develop and poorly implement:

  1. Drill for oil in federally protected wetlands;

  2. Use federal credit cards to purchase drugs, sex, and alcohol all over the nation and then receive a slap on the wrist and a pat on the back for wasting the taxpayer's money; and

  3. Institutionalizing a process to assure that all facilities and regulated sectors are regularly assessed for vulnerabilities to terrorist attacks. That means locking the doors this time around and perhaps not allowing thousands of government notebooks with top-secret information to simply get "misplaced."

3. Elevated/Worried Condition (Yellow).
An Elevated Condition is declared when there is a significant risk of terrorist attacks. We're not sliding below yellow for reasons stated above. Even if the country was at peace, we'd take unrelated terrorist attacks in Asian countries and immediately link them to Al-Quaida. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures to scare the public and whip the media:

  1. Check out that hot blonde waiting for an interview;

  2. No seriously, check her out. Look at the pair on that one;

  3. Man, I'd like to take her home and show her my Elevated Condition. Know what I mean? Eh? Eh?

  4. Now go get me some coffee.

4. High/Scared Condition (Orange).
A High Condition is declared whenever the President needs a boost in his approval rating. In addition to diverting public attention from important economic issues, it also allows the government to commit acts of terror on smaller countries under the guise of self-defense. Anyone who needs to stay in office should consider the following general measures:

  1. Coordinating unnecessary security efforts with Federal, State, and local law enforcement to inconvenience as many Muslims as possible;

  2. Taking additional precautions at public events and possibly considering alternative venues or even cancellation, unless it's Republican fundraiser or sponsored by one of the many corporations that contributed millions of dollars to the President's election campaign;

  3. Preparing to execute contingency procedures, such as bombing Iraq; and

  4. Restricting the rights of the press and the public to the point where even Congress doesn't know what you're doing.

5. Oh Shit! (Red).
The Democrats have allowed another terrorist attack to take place. Don't worry, we're going to team up with Fox News Channel to scare the entire country into complacency. In addition to diverting the blame elsewhere, Federal departments and agencies also should consider the following general measures while the nation still trusts them:

  1. Pack your bags;

  2. Unplug all the appliances;

  3. Get in the car. Damn it Timmy, I said get in the fucking car; and

  4. Move to Canada.

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