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The Dork Squad

The Official Guide to IRC L4m0rs

Learn who to avoid so you can be l33t.

  • By Chris Bergenfield
  • 03.31.2002
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Whether it be a small backwoods server with a max user limit of ten to a huge one linked in countries all around the world, IRC servers all have one thing in common: l4m0rs.

No matter where you chat, all of us have to put up with those wonderful people who constantly annoy you to death with their stupidity and idiotic antics. To further assist channel ops and IRCops alike, Mental Discharge has come up with this IRC l4m0r guide, which we hope to become a universal guide for identifying IRC l4m0rs. So, without further ado, strap on your lame-proof goggles and prepare to dive into the Mental Discharge l4m0rdex.

There are currently 31 different types of l4m0rs that inhabit IRC. Some are several types in one, so be on alert for combined characteristics.

Revolving Door L4m0r
This particular type of l4m0r seems to think that entering and exiting the channel repeatedly and incessantly is a way to increase their popularity.

*** Joins: Revolver (~user7405@ircchat-21.btuserssuck.co.uk)
*** Parts: Revolver (~user7405@ircchat-21.btuserssuck.co.uk)
*** Joins: Revolver (~user7405@ircchat-21.btuserssuck.co.uk)
*** Parts: Revolver (~user7405@ircchat-21.btuserssuck.co.uk)
*** Joins: Revolver (~user7405@ircchat-21.btuserssuck.co.uk)
*** Parts: Revolver (~user7405@ircchat-21.btuserssuck.co.uk)

The Counting L4m0r
This particular l4m0r has just learned his numbers up through ten, and will generously attempt to share the experience with you. Therefore, to reinforce his ecstasy, he will attempt to get you to count along with him.

<CountCount> Anyone who wants NAKED PICS of NSYNC TYPE 123!!!!
<CountCount> If ur cute type 789!

The Webmaster
This l4m0r thinks he has mad skillz when it comes to HTML design, and wants everyone to gawk at the wonder that he has created. Now his only problem is convincing everyone that the best website on the net resides on Angelfire.

<MrHTML> GO TO http://www.angelfire.com/ky/l4m0rificplzkthx FOR THE BEST SITE IN THE UNIVERSE!

Default Man
Most of the larger IRC servers on the net have a Java client that those people without an IRC client can use to connect to the server without downloading one. Most of these clients have default nicks such as Change_Me that imply that they should be changed before the user connects. Some l4m0rs just don't quite get this, though. Maybe if we changed the default nick to I_SUCK they'd get the idea.

*** Joins: IRChatter (~user3896@ircchat-295.ipt.aol.com)
*** Joins: Change_Me (~java@A34FD672.ipt.aol.com)

The Chanwhore
She's giving up looking for real life love and now is just looking to cyber with anything on the net, including men, women, and maybe even a cat who just happened to jump on a keyboard.

<Melody> Anyone wants to get it on PM me!!!!

The Angry Poseidon
This l4m0r is sitting on a lot of rage and will repeatedly express that rage to the channel, often several times within a matter of seconds, in a flood.

<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
<Neptune> You guys fucking suck!!!!!
*** Neptune was kicked by irc.someserver.net (Flood)

Brave New World Refugee
This is a Bokanovskified refugee from Aldous Huxley's novel, and will attempt to fill the void in his life where his countless identical twins used to reside with copies of himself. Often attempts to reinforce ideas of ambiguity by using the Java default nick.

*** Joins: Change_Me (~java@AFR34S785.ipt.aol.com)
*** Joins: Change_M1 (~java@AFR34S785.ipt.aol.com)
*** Joins: Change_M2 (~java@AFR34S785.ipt.aol.com)

KING OF CAPS LOCK
This l4m0r apparently believes that his intelligence is directly proportional to the number of capital letters he uses. Thus, he will use capital letters for anything.

<CAPSKING> HI IS ANYONE HERE FROM NEW YORK
<CAPSKING> I GOT A NEW POKEMON VIDEO FROM MY UNCLE
<CAPSKING> I HAD AN ENEMA YESTERDAY

Psychic Hotline Addict
This type of l4m0r is named such because they're so gullible they actually believe that fake Jamaican woman on TV can see their future by an over-the-phone tarot reading. Consequently, they will fall for any rumor out there.

<PHAddict> How do I get to see the hidden FMV of Squall and Rinoa fucking?
<PHAddict> Is it true that JarJar Binks will make a cameo appearance in Episode 3?

Bold & Color Whores
Yes, this l4m0r only speaks in color, using various foreground and background montages or bold characters to further enhance their text. Their determination has become so obsessive, they're now desperate to get you to read their words.

<lonelyguy> plz somsone talk to me!!!
<lonelyguy> *** Laughing Out Loud ***

Frequent Flyer
This type of l4m0r gets a lot of airtime, because after he is kicked the first time, he comes back to bitch about.

<Flyboy> u all suck
*** Flyboy was kicked by SomeRandomOp (So do you.)
*** Flyboy has joined the channel
<Flyboy> u all REALLY FUCKING SUK U KNOW THAT?

Captain Calculus
Always familiar with working with many letters and numbers at the same time, this type of l4m0r attempts to supplement the English language with random numbers in attempts to "improve efficiency." Most of us just call it being a lazy ass.

<BinaryBoy> ne1 want 2 chat?
<BinaryBoy> i want 4 u 2 just like me, ok?

Leisure Suit Larry
Upon entering the channel, the first thing this type of l4m0r will inquire about is the presence of the opposite sex.

<CaptLove> Any hot chicks in here!!!??!

Cave Dweller
This type of l4m0r is always the last to know something. Usually something quite obvious. Their faked intelligence, however, is easily seen through.

<Cavedude> Since when are they making a Jurassic Park 3?
<Cavedude> Episode 1 is going to have a sequel?

Shinji Ikari
This type of l4m0r continually bemoans the fact that no one likes them, or thinks the channel is interested in hearing about their personal life. If they are kicked for being a complete annoyance, they threaten suicide. They also think that by threatening to leave the channel, they can magically cause people to like them. An easy way to spot this lam0r is to look for a |Sad or something akin to it after their nicks.

<ShinjiI|Sad> Why dun u all like me?
<ShinjiI|Crying> Noone loves me.
<ShinjiI|Suicidal> My girlfriend left me the other day, but that's okay, because I've got Carpel Tunnel Syndrome anyway, and I just found out I'm impotent because my briefs cut off circulation to my groin.

Level 13 Dark Wizard
Apparently these l4m0rs mistook the IRC Newbie Help room for the Dungeons and Dragons channel around the block, so they attempt to role-play there instead.

* BlueChoco runs around pecking people
<MoogleLUVR> Kupo! *begs for a kupo nut*
<Cloud1> OMNISLASH!!!!!1111
<AnakinSki> I'll NEVER GO 2 THE DARK SIDE!

More |337 Than Thou and MUCH More |337 Than Thou
A More |337 Than Thou l4m0r thinks they can get away with telling an Op or Admin to "eat shit" or "fuck off." A MUCH More |337 Than Thou l4m0r will rejoin the channel with an incredulous attitude and bitch about being kicked for no reason.

<|337_1> fuk u Ops
*** |337_1 was kicked by SomeRandomOp (No. Fuck you.)
*** |337_1 has joined the channel
<|337_1> Why the fuck did you kick me? Huh!!!!?

Napoleon
This type of l4m0r is in love with a quick rise to power. If their request is refused, this l4m0r will sometimes threaten to do bodily harm to themselves if their request is not met. Of course, this is a preferable option, over the other option of them wetting their pants at actually GETTING ops.

<Napoleon> Can I be op please?
<Napoleon> Please can I be an op?
<Napoleon> plzplzplzplzplzplzplz PLEASE LET ME BE AN OP

Caffieneaholic
Apparently this l4m0r has a nervous twitch in their hand or something akin to it, because they cannot seem to stop hitting their punctuation keys at the end of a sentence.

<CoffeeRulz> Has anyone played Starcraft?????????????????
<CoffeeRulz> I saw Cats and Dogs today!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

Trowa Barton
These lam0rs think the best way to say something is to say nothing at all. Which wouldn't be so bad, but then they decide to verbalize their nothingness.

<HeavyArms> ....!
<HeavyArms> .............?
<HeavyArms> ..............................

Decoy Octopus
This type of l4m0r thinks that by simply changing their identity, they can completely change who they are without any of the rest of us knowing.

*** Parts: Decoy_Octopus (~user3896@ircchat-295.ipt.aol.com)
*** Joins: Psycho_Mantis (~user3896@ircchat-295.ipt.aol.com)

ASCII Picasso
This type of l4m0r wants to be a modernistic graphics artist when he grows up, so he practices his skills whenever possible. Unfortunately, not many people pay for pictures of Kirby or a lightsaber. And absolutely no one wants to see ASCII porn.

<VanGogh> (>'-')>
<VanGogh> \=============|§§§D
<VanGogh> B=====D O:

Ph.D.
This l4m0r believes in the omnipotence of their knowledge about any subject, but when ever asked about something related to that knowledge, they shy away from answering it. Hmmm...

<FFMaster> You're all a bunch of dumbasses...
<SumDude> How do I kill Guard Scorpion in FF7?
*** FFMaster has left the channel
<Numbrwiz> I'm in calculus3 at Harvard.
<Somedude> What's two plus two?
*** Numbrwiz has left the channel

Whisper Kid
This type of l4m0r never talks in the channel. They just PM everyone with weird shit until they get kicked.

*ICanCU* Hi
*ICanCU* What's up?
*ICanCU* Where u from?

Stalker
Apparently this type of l4m0r wants to know just who everyone is so they can send a letter bomb to their house, because the first thing they do when the enter the channel is an A/S/L check.

*** Stalker has joined the channel
<Stalker> A/S/L EVRY1

Army Recruiting Officer
This l4m0r will do just about anything possible to get you to join their channel/message board.

<Sarge> join #ttsuxorsmeplz
<Sarge> EVERY1 COME TO MY MB AT WWW.TTSUXORSMEPLZ.COM/FORUM
<Sarge> Plz join #ttsuxorzmeplz
<Sarge> Plz join #ttsuxorzmeplz
<Sarge> Plz join #ttsuxorzmeplz
<Sarge> Plz join #ttsuxorzmeplz

The Little L4m0r That Could
This l4m0r does not believe in giving up, no matter what. This l4m0r is banned for something, waits a week til the banlist is cleared, then comes back and confronts the person who banned them, demanding an explanation and expecting the op to remember exactly who they were and exactly why they were banned.

*** SomeOp sets mode +b *!*@*.imstupid.org
*** Persistence was kicked by SomeOp (Moron.)
[10 days and a banlist clear later]
*** Joins: Persistence (isuck@moron.imstupid.org)
<Persistence> Why was I banned?

My Brother's Keeper
No matter what happens, this l4m0r will blame every single thing in the world on his "brother beside him at the computer."

<Cain> you bunch of fags fucking suck
*** Cain was kicked by OpPlz (So do you.)
*** Cain has joined the channel
<Cain> That was my stupid brother. I swear!

Master of the Obvious
This type of l4m0r thinks everything they say, even the most blatant things in the world, should be treated like they're coming from the mouth of Stephen Hawking.

<AlEinstein> The local news is a good way to find out about things around your home
<AlEinstein> IN a video game a good strategy is to kill all the enemies
<AlEinstein> Episode 1 is on video.

The Brave Wuss
This type of l4m0r will take a big potshot at the ops/admins and then immediately part before he is kicked.

<Courage> U ALL FUCKING SUK U BIG BUNCH OF HOMOS
*** Courage has left the channel

An AOL User
America Online users seem to believe that IRC channels operate in the same manner as a chat room on AOL, unmoderated and completely open for abuse. Eventually, they become extremely dumbfounded when they discover that ops exist and that talking like a thug and threatening people is completely unimpressive.

*** Joins: SSJ4Gohan2000 (~user3896@ircchat-4432.ipt.aol.com)
<SSJ4Gohan2000> supz?
<Bobby> dbz is gay
<SSJ4Gohan2000> fuk u mutha fucka, i'll fuck ur mom and then beat ur ass to teh ground!
*** SSJ4Gohan2000 was kicked by OpPlz (Sure.)
*** Joins: SSJ4Gohan2000 (~user3896@ircchat-4432.ipt.aol.com)
<SSJ4Gohan2000> shit i got disconnected?

l4m0rs are great in number and can be extremely dangerous, especially given their tendency to combine with a l4m0r of another type. However, combating them can be extremely simple. If you have almost ANY IRC client, any l4m0r on this list can be successfully defeated by using the /ignore NICKNAME command, giving you complete peace and quiet, unless you happen to be using a Java client.

Then again, if you're using a Java client, you're probably already on this list anyway.

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