I Think MSNBC Has Turned Me Into a Super Gay Racist

On a typical afternoon, I'd go for a brisk walk within the secure confines of my gated golf course community before relaxing in my recliner to enjoy the prolific commentary of Laura Ingraham followed by the goofy antics of Greg Gutfeld and company. I'd relish in Kat Timpf's incredible hot takes as I binge on a hefty plate of Golden Corral takeout chased down with a cocktail of Relief Factor and Balance of Nature. After my delicious meal and marathon of patriotism, a quick heart check with KardiaMobile would conclude another fantastic day of incredible white privilege.

After my family gathering for Thanksgiving, though, everything has changed.

My angsty, fruitcake of a nephew managed to get her hands on the television remote and left my cable box tuned to MSNBC in the name of diversity and equality. Now, all I want to do is complain about how the natives used to peacefully slice scalps on the land in which I slice golf balls, berate my neighbors for exercising their whiteness when they pay their HOA dues, and eat kale chips dipped in soy-based salad dressing with my lab-grown plant burgers.

Ever since the grimaces of Rachel Maddow finally set me unstraight, it's becoming more difficult to exercise my good old-fashioned American routines. Instead of my usual anticipation seeing Kat tilt her neck, smile, and wink at me at the start of Gutfeld, I'm now much more interested in the effeminate musings of Raymond Arroyo. He's eloquent and fabulous, but my desires can only go so far for someone more white-bread than a Mike Lindell slipper commercial.

This isn't for nothing, though; I believe the gayer and more racist I become, the less I'll be a malicious adversary of suffering minorities.

I've discovered through the condescension of Joy Reid and the scowls from Tiffany Cross that all of the accomplishments in my life have been in the name of Caucasian sovereignty. So, instead of paying my mortgage, I now donate it to GoFundMe to bail out victims of evil white folks who enjoy parades. I've been told being on time for appointments is akin to being a member of the Klan, so now I'm always as late as my nephew's period. Finally, to make sure I've sowed the seeds of appeasement, I've gained an extra chin, sprayed my hair blue, and pierced my nose. I don't look like I should be within a mile of a school, but I've already been offered teaching positions at three of them.

Likewise, I've tossed the Fruits & Veggies in favor of Descovy for PrEP just in case I meet that special someone while I'm out looting Brocade Evening Jackets from Neiman Marcus.

Following the prescriptions of MSNBC have clearly changed my life. I may be hated by my neighbors, wanted by the police, facing eviction, and need to have my colon checked on a more frequent basis, but at least I'm no longer a white supremacist.