College Freshman Survival Guide

Yes, it's almost September, and we all know what that means. It's time for professional athletes to strike for higher wages and more complimentary prostitutes. It's also time for that long-standing tradition where a child finally leaves his parents' house and moves into his college's freshman dorm to experience what will possibly be the four wildest years of his life. It will involve nothing less than crazy stunts such as smashing mashed potatoes out of his cheeks and killing a horse in the dean's office.

Wait, no, sorry. That's National Lampoon's Animal House again. Our mistake. Anyway, we here at Mental Discharge have come up with our best tips for new college freshmen to aid in getting through that all-important first week. Before we dive in, here are three important life changes that may or may not occur during your tenure.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get started.

The only people who will attend the Student Activity Council (SAC) mixers are the SAC people themselves and six freshmen that desperately want to be involved in a school-oriented club. Be one of these six freshmen; nothing helps your chances of getting laid like being a member of an organization that attempts to plan fun campus events that do not include alcohol.

Dorms are specifically designed with thin walls so that occupants can grow and bond by sharing life with one another. Feel free to share your favorite music by cranking up your speakers at 2 a.m. the day before classes start and blast out your favorite tunes. Linkin Park works as a great ice breaker.

Senior girls are always impressed when freshman guys hit on them. It makes you appear to have courage and inner strength, two things women are attracted to in a 5' 4" weasel. To impress them even further, remind them you not only own a PlayStation 2, but an Xbox as well.

If you rush a fraternity on a dry campus, and that fraternity holds recruitment events involving alcohol, blow the whistle to the college administration and Greek council. Let the fraternity brothers know exactly who runs this joint. They'll appreciate you calling them on their mistake and will welcome you with open arms equipped with brass knuckles.

If your class size is ten and your syllabus lists 95% of the grade being based on papers, the midterm, and the final, only show up for the midterm and final. Simply tape record the preceding classes and use the time you save to remove some of the textbooks that were recently placed in your ass. Sure, you weren't there, but your tape recorder was.

The more crusty and browned food in the cafeteria, the better it tastes. It also tastes better if you show up just as the cafeteria is closing when it's starting to get cold and hard. Call the cafeteria lady a "Soup Nazi" and benefit from the extra food you'll acquire as a result of your classy edge.

Hey, it's okay; every guy on Earth does it, even your roommate. He won't mind if you look at porn and masturbate while he's still in the room. In fact, he'll probably thank you, because now he's free to do the same.

If you play in the college band, feel free to take the instruments back to your room after rehearsal for some practice, especially if you are a percussionist. If the band director asks you just what the hell you're doing, explain that you want to get in a few run-throughs before you go to bed.

When your RA told you at the beginning of the year he would always be there if you need to talk about anything, he meant it. If you're jealous that the guy across the hall from you is raking in a ton of cash selling crack, as your RA for advice on starting up your own trade. Let your hall neighbor know he'll have some friendly competition in the business soon, too.

Professors love to use e-mail to solicit comments regarding class. Whenever you have anything to add, no matter how trivial, be sure to "Reply to All" so everyone else can benefit from your input.

Just because a professor has a doctorate in their field and has written the actual textbook they teach the course from, that doesn't mean they know more about the subject than you do. Challenge their claims in class loudly and frequently. Doing so will spread your name among the faculty as one who should be given the utmost respect in the lecture hall.

Refer to the Department of Safety (DOS) officers as "Rent-a-Cops," especially in their presence. DOS officers always get a big laugh out of this joke.

For another practical joke, pull up your roommate's computer while he is in class and change his default homepage to goatse.cx. Later that night, he'll be sure to thank you for assisting him and his friends as to which location several small animals which keep breaking lose from the lab might wish to burrow. If your roommate's homepage is already goatse.cx, make it your top priority to request a roommate change as soon as possible.

Getting through the first week of college is essential. If you're unable to weed your way through the trials and tribulations of hard studying, incredibly boring parties, and insanely lame college pranks, you may end up with a detrimental social life for years to come.

However, if you follow this sure-fire advice, you'll make it through. It won't be long before you find yourself on the jet-setting fast track to the top of your class. These tips are guaranteed to make the critical first week of classes much easier, especially for upperclassmen such as this author, who are always looking for someone less experienced than them to laugh at while they struggle their way through major courses.