Anal Beads are for Fat, Lazy, Stupid People

It's become a startling fact that people these days are too lazy to regard sex with even the slightest bit of effort. Toys, aids, and random spank material have begun to pervade our culture's sexual mind. One of my biggest qualms is "pleasure-enhancing condoms." If you need itty-bitty bumps on a condom to get your girl off, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. If your monster is a goblin instead of a dragon, your girl isn't going to give a shit if you have little nubs on your fuckstick. Either learn to work that shit right or stop having sex, you small-penised ignoramus.

But that isn't even the smallest concern that has emerged from our sex-crazed, yet paradoxically lazy society. No, the biggest menace to our sexual purity is anal beads. Anal beads are a string of plastic balls that get shoved up your ass then pulled back out, which is supposed to excite random pleasures in your now-swollen rectum. Whatever happened to licking a finger and forcing it into your poopchute? You like big beads? Use two fucking fingers. If you like the artificial sensation of having plastic crammed into your ass, grab a bottle of Coke.

Anal Beads

$7.95Tough to effectively insert all beads into anus in a straight line. Not washer machine safe. Oriental art and you're a round eye.

20oz. Coke Bottle

$1.19Thin head eventually grows, expanding anus to painful contortions. Risk of explosion. Not caffiene free.

Your Fingers

FREE5 attachments, adjustable positioning, excellent control through motor functions connected via nervous system.

If you can't even use your own agile, dexterous fingers to tickle someone's asshole, you don't deserve to have sexual contact with any species. Even the most fucktarded person alive with a sense of motor control above a retard with a rampant case of quivering autism can manipulate their digits enough to render anal beads unnecessary.

Our fast-food binging, couch potato, TV-dinner-monging society has forgotten the simple pleasure of having a finger rammed into their anus. I suggest a purist rediscover just how good a down-and-dirty, unprotected, nubless fuck can be. Revive the subtle art of manipulating a prostate with your tongue. Revive the true spirit of hardcore sex as it was meant to be: various phalanges jammed into every hole.

Also In This Section
  • Comments
  • Newest
    Newest First
    Show the newest comments first.
  • Oldest
    Oldest First
    Show the oldest comments first.
  • Best
    Best First
    Show comments with the highest number of votes first.
TheMusiKid6 years ago
  • 0
You sir, deserve a hug.

Or at least a high-five.

Actually, I think I'll just stand back here and consider you with high regard.

Good work anyways!
Blank6 years ago
  • 2
Do you know how much fucking work it takes to use anal beads? It's damn near impossible to insert them in a straight line, especially when he's quivering like a scared puppy as you're jamming them in his balloon knot.

I mean her.
Contribute to this exciting conversation by logging in or signing up.