Howdy There, Shitty Neighbor!

Social communities have existed for thousands of years, shaped by industry and politics that eventually transformed them into the modern neighborhoods of today. However, these neighborhoods didn't develop without their faults. Long before family estates became buried deep in concrete jungles, even the earliest settlements were plagued by a constant irritation that has survived the ages: the shitty neighbor.

Shitty neighbors exist in many different forms ranging from harmless passive aggressive complainers to renters hellbent on total destruction. Try as one might, these neighbors are an uncurable blister that even the most exclusive housing developments can't seem to avoid.

The Color-Blind Artist

At first, it's just an eyesore; the one house boldly painted with two or more contrasting colors. While you and everyone else in the neighborhood shares dissatisfaction with the detestable palette used, the homeowner will take pride in their horrible work. They'll delight in the beauty that is purple and yellow, red and blue, or brown and green. You'll plead for Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg to show up with a surprise announcement they've brought back Punk'd, but days will become weeks, weeks will become months, and you'll soon wonder what that crazy bitch did to talk her husband into making their house look like it belongs in CandyLand.

The Junk Collector

If bad taste were only limited to a mailbox, it'd probably be okay, but there's always the one neighbor with an affinity for decorating their property with every possible ornament available at Home Depot. No square foot of their front yard is spared plastic junk made in China. Some people will pass by thinking a garage sale is underway, but they're sorely mistaken. And no, the gnomes in the garden, the assorted flock of pink flamingos, and the rusty mine cart filled with weeds aren't waiting to be hauled off on trash day.

The Zoo-Keeper

Not everyone is up to the challenge of being responsible for a pet. Whether it's a cloud passing through the sky, a bird landing on a fence, or the scent of broken wind breezing past its nose, at least one annoying mutt will bark continuously without reprieve. You'll wonder why your neighbor even owns an animal, seeing as how they never walk it, play with it, or give it any love and attention. You'll politely ask your neighbor multiple times to quiet their neglected companion, but eventually be forced to get the Humane Society involved if someone hasn't already fed the poor bastard doggy treats mixed with pieces of sponge.

The Grumpy Old Fart

Sometimes problematic neighbors find you. The instant a shingle falls off your roof, a discolored leaf rests comfortably on your lawn, or you leave your garage door open for more than 30 seconds, a disgruntled neighbor will instantly arrive to whine, bitch, and complain about your HOA violation. You'll be guided on how to resolve the issue as you're coached through each paragraph and subparagraph of the infringement, but no matter what steps you take to make things right, you'll never manage to get on their good side.

The Mechanic

You'd think an automotive repair shop out of a home garage next door would be a nice convenience, but the qualifications of their trade come into question from seeing the same four vehicles always parked in the driveway. The monotonous and irritating sounds of engines revving will fill the night sky every weekend as your neighbor attempts to improve the power output of a car that can't legally drive on pavement. Despite the neighbor's ankle monitor and lengthy turnaround time, the lack of any actual completed repairs won't dissuade a future customer from dropping off a complete shitbox for a two-week oil change.

The Children of the Cornhole

A utopian community of morons may be developing just a few dozen feet from your front door, heeded by a neighbor with offspring whose fathers are unbeknownst to both her and them. As such, the household doubles as an unlicensed daycare that manages activities by screaming over a television blaring an episode of Judge Joe Brown. You'll painfully absorb the screams of crying children as they exhibit social skills not unlike a monkey throwing feces as they vandalize everything in their path. You'd very much like to resolve your discontent through mature, diplomatic dialogue, but the neighbor will only respond if you're equipped with narcotics and cigarettes or retain a position with Child Welfare Services.

The Quarreling Lovers

The couple across the street receiving yet another visit by the local police department means it's time for a live showing of Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, or Jerry Springer. You'll take a front row seat as the drama unfolds right in your neighbor's yard. Did the husband really put those red marks on her neck out of anger or was it merely to restrain her as he kindly removed a couple of her teeth? Does it really count as cheating if the wife wasn't sleeping with a random stranger, but her own cousin? Stay tuned to find out because you'll be getting a brand-new episode the following week when true love returns to drop the charges and post bail.

The Noisy Douche

Some neighbors just can't be helped, especially when they have an insatiable desire for chaos. Whether they're involved in a musical ensemble that has never performed at a public venue, gathering the crew to share both a literal and figurative 8-ball, or putting together the final touches on a time machine in the garage, this neighbor is completely incapable of producing anything other than racket. Their guests will be equally intolerable, supplementing their car horn for a doorbell, parking in the front yard, and sharing their moronic banter at a volume everyone on the block can enjoy. Confronting the neighbor will only solve the problem temporarily as their short-lived attention span won't retain the conversation beyond an entire week.